THE RULES OF LIFE

RULE.5 Know What Counts and 

What Doesn’t

Being here counts. Being kind and considerate counts. Getting

through each day without seriously offending anyone or hurt-

ing anyone counts. Having the latest technology doesn’t.

Sorry, I don’t hate technology. In fact, I probably have pretty

much all the latest gizmos. I just (a) don’t overly rely too

much on any of it and (b) see them all as useful tools rather

than having any intrinsic meaning in themselves, in a status

symbol or one-up kind of way.

Doing something useful with your life counts. Going shopping

because you’re bored doesn’t. Yes, by all means go shopping,

but see what you do as counting or not counting, being real or

not being real, having real value or not, being of some benefit

or not. This does not mean chucking it all up and going off

to some fly-infested swamp to work with the locals and

catch malaria—although that in itself would count, but you

don’t have to go to quite those extremes to make your life

meaningful.

I guess the Rule means focusing on what is important to you

in your life and making positive changes to ensure you feel

happy with what you are dedicating your life to (see Rule 6).

This doesn’t mean long-term plans mapped out to the smallest

detail. It means knowing, roughly, where you are going and

what you are doing. Be awake rather than asleep. A fellow

author, Tim Freke, calls it “lucid living”*—a perfect term for

what we are talking about.

There are some things in this life that are important and a

whole lot of things that aren’t. It doesn’t take too much dis-

crimination to work out which are which. And there are a

whole lot more things that don’t count, aren’t really important,

to choose from. I’m not saying we can’t have trivia in our

lives—we can and it’s fine. Just don’t go mistaking the trivia

for what is really important. Having time for loved ones and

friends is important; watching the latest soap isn’t. Repaying a

debt is important; what brand of detergent you use isn’t.

Nurturing our children and teaching them real values is

important; dressing them in designer fashion isn’t. You get

the idea. Think about what you do that counts—and do more of it.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS

IN THIS LIFE THAT ARE

IMPORTANT AND A WHOLE

LOT OF THINGS THAT

AREN’T.

RULES OF LIFE

RULE 4.Accept Yourself

If you accept that what’s done is done, you are left with your-

self exactly as you are. You can’t go back and change anything,

so you’ve got to work with what you’ve got. I’m not suggesting

anything New Age here such as love yourself—that’s far too

ambitious. No, let’s begin with simple accepting. Accepting is

easy because it is exactly what it says—accepting. You don’t

have to improve or change or strive for perfection. Quite the

opposite. Just accept.

That means accepting all the warts and emotional lumps and

bumps, the bad parts, the weaknesses, and the rest of it. This

doesn’t mean we are happy with everything about ourselves,

or that we are going to be lazy and lead a bad life. We are

going to accept the way we are, initially, and then build on

that. What we are not going to do is beat ourselves up because

we don’t like some parts. Yes, we can change lots, but that will

come later. We’re only up to Rule 4 here.

This has to be a Rule because there can be no choice here. We

have to accept that we are the way we are—the result of every-

thing that has happened. It all just is. You, like me, like all of

us, are human. That means you’re pretty complex. You come

fully loaded with desires, anguish, sins, pettiness at times,

mistakes, ill temper, rudeness, deviation, hesitation, and repe-

tition. That’s what makes a human being so wonderful:s the

complexity. None of us can ever be perfect. We start with what

we’ve got and who we are and then we can only make a

choice, each day, to strive for some kind of better. And that’s

all people can ask of us—to make that choice. To be awake

and aware, to be ready to do the right thing. And accept that

some days you aren’t going to make it. Some days you will,like all of us, fall far short. That’s OK; don’t beat yourself up.

Pick yourself up and start again. Accept that you will fail from

time to time and that you are human.

I know it can be hard at times, but once you have picked up

the gauntlet of becoming a Rules Player, you’re well on the

path to improvement. Stop picking faults with yourself or

giving yourself a hard time. Instead, accept that you are what

you are. You’re doing the best you can at this point in time, so

give yourself a pat on the back and move on.

RULE 4

YOU DON’T HAVE TO

IMPROVE OR CHANGE OR

STRIVE FOR PERFECTION.

QUITE THE OPPOSITE.

JUST ACCEPT IT.

THE RULES OF LIFE

Rule 3.Accept What Is Done Is Done

People make mistakes. Sometimes very serious ones. As often

as not, the mistakes aren’t deliberate or personal. Sometimes

people just don’t know what they are doing. This means that

if, in the past, people have behaved badly toward you, it wasn’t

necessarily because they meant to be horrid, but because they

were as naïve, as foolish, as human as the rest of us. They

made mistakes in the way they brought you up or finished a

relationship with you or whatever, not because they wanted to

do it that way, but because they didn’t know any different.

If you want to, you can let go of any feelings of resentment, of

regret, of anger. You can accept that you are a fabulous human

being because of all the bad things that have happened to you,

not in spite of them. What is done is done, and you need to

just get on with your life. Don’t use the labels “good” and

“bad.” Yes, I know some of it is indeed bad, but it is how we

let it affect us that is the real “bad.” You could let all these

things get you down, fizzle away internally like some emo-

tional acid making you ill and resentful and stuck. But you

will let them go, embrace them as character forming, and in

general as positive rather then negative.

On paper I had a seriously dysfunctional childhood and for a

while was resentful. I blamed my bizarre upbringing for all

that was weak or dispirited or badly formed in me. It’s so easy

to do. But once I accepted that what was done was done, and

that I could choose to forgive and get on with my life, things

improved enormously. Not all of my siblings chose the same

route, and they carried on building up the resentment until it overwhelmed them.

For me it was essential, if I wanted more out of my life, to

embrace all the bad things as being an important part of me

and to move on. In fact, I wanted them to fuel me into my

future, to become positive to such an extent that I couldn’t

imagine being me without them. Now, if given the choice, I

wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, looking back, it was tough being

the kid I was, living the life I did, but it has certainly helped

make me, me.

I think the change occurred once I realized that even if I could

get in front of me all the people who had “done me wrong,”

there would still be nothing they could do. I could shout at

them, berate them, rant at them, but there would be nothing

they could do to make amends or put things right. They, too,

would have to accept that what’s done is done. There is no

going back, only forward. Make it a motto for life keep moving forward.

RULE 3 

WHAT IS DONE IS DONE,

AND YOU NEED TO

JUST GET ON

WITH YOUR LIFE.

THE RULES OF LIFE

You’ll Get Older But Not

Necessarily Wiser

RULE 2

There is an assumption that as we get older we will get wiser;

not true, I’m afraid. But we can carry on being just as foolish,

still making plenty of mistakes. It’s just that we make new

ones, different ones. We do learn from experience and may not

make the same mistakes again, but there is a whole new pickle

jar of fresh ones just lying in wait for us to trip up and

fall into. The secret is to accept this and not to beat yourself

up when you do make new ones. The Rule really is: Be kind

to yourself when you do muck things up. Be forgiving,

and accept that it’s all part of that growing older but no wiser

routine.

Looking back, we can always see the mistakes we made, but

we fail to see the ones looming up. Wisdom isn’t about not

making mistakes, but about learning to escape afterward with

our dignity and sanity intact.

When we are young, aging seems to be something that hap-

pens to, well, old people. But it does happen to us all, and we

have no choice but to embrace it and roll with it. Whatever we

do and however we are, the fact is we are going to get older.

And this aging process does seem to speed up as we get older.

You can look at it this way—the older you get, the more areas

you’ve covered to make mistakes in. There will always be new

areas of experience where we have no guidelines and where

we’ll handle things badly, overreact, get it wrong. And the

more flexible we are, the more adventurous, the more life-

embracing, then the more new avenues there will be to explore- and make mistakes in, of course.

As long as we look back and see where we went wrong and

resolve not to repeat such mistakes, there is little else we need

to do. Remember that any Rules that apply to you also apply

to everyone else around you. Others are all getting older, too.

And not any wiser particularly. Once you accept this, you’ll be

more forgiving and kinder toward yourself and others.

Finally, yes, time does heal, and things do get better as you get

older. After all, the more mistakes you’ve made, the less likely

that you’ll come up with new ones. The best thing is that if

you get a lot of your mistakes over and done with early on in

life, there will be less to learn the hard way later on. And that’s

what youth is all about: a chance to make all the mistakes you

can and get them out of the way.

RULE 2

WISDOM ISN’T ABOUT NOT

MAKING MISTAKES BUT

ABOUT LEARNING TO

ESCAPE AFTERWARD WITH

OUR DIGNITY AND SANITY

      INTACT.

THE RULE OF LIFE

Rule.1- Keep It Under Your Hat.

You are about to become a Rules Player. You are about to

embark on a life-changing adventure, possibly, if you choose

to accept your mission. You are about to discover ways to

become positive, happy, and successful in everything you do.

So there’s no need to say anything to anybody about it. Keep

quiet. No one likes a smart arse. That’s it. First Rule: Keep It

Under Your Hat.

There may well be times when you do want to talk to other

people about what you’re doing because, quite naturally, you

want to share it with somebody. Well, you can’t and you don’t.

Let people find out for themselves with no clues from you.

You may think this unfair, but it is actually fairer than you

believe. If you tell them, they’ll shy away. And quite rightly

so—we all hate being preached at. It’s a bit like when you give

up smoking and suddenly find this new healthier way of living

and you simply have to convert all your old smoking friends.

Trouble is, they aren’t ready to quit yet and you find they label

you as smug or self-righteous or, even worse, an ex-smoker.

And how we all hate those.

So the first Rule is, quite simply, don’t preach, propagate, try to

convert, shout from the rooftops, or even mention this.

You will get a warm glow from changing your attitude to life

and having people ask what it is you have done, are doing,

and you can say that it’s nothing, merely a sunny day and you

feel better/happier/livelier/whatever. There is no need to go

into any detail because that’s not really what people want to

know. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite of what they want to know. It’s a bit like when someone asks how you are. What

they want to really hear is just the one word, “Fine.” Even if

you are in the very pits of despair, that’s all people want to

hear because anything more requires commitment on their

part. And for a casual “How are you?”, that’s most certainly

not what they want. What they want is just “Fine.” And then

they can be about their business without any further involve-

ment. If you don’t say “Fine” but instead unburden yourself,

they will back off pretty quickly.

And it’s the same with being a Rules Player. No one really

wants to know, so keep quiet. How do I know? Because when

I wrote The Rules of Work, which turned a lot of people onto

the ability to be successful in the workplace without having to

resort to underhand means, I suggested the same thing and

found it worked. Just get on with it, do it quietly, and go about

your daily life happily and smugly without having to tell

anyone anything.

RULE 1

 

DON’T PREACH,

PROPAGATE,

OR EVEN MENTION THIS.